Queer. Pansexual. Panromantic. Polyamorous. To me, in my internal sense of my own identity, and in the ways in which I express that identity in the world, these things are closely allied and tightly bound together. I can see how in other people’s experience of or expression of a queer identity, how their queerness might be more closely allied with their sexual expression, or their gender identity, or a whole host of things I can’t even imagine! But for me, queerness is much more about the way I do relationships than anything else, and I find it interesting to reflect on how it all works, for me.

Although I wouldn’t call myself demisexual, as I can experience attractions outside of relationship, I have only ever acted on those attractions within relationship (be it longstanding friendship, or something more romantically oriented). I had never seriously considered my sexual identity until one of my best friends (whose gender expression did not match what I had at the time considered my pool of potential love interests) fell tumultuously in love with me. Then the situation warranted quite a lot of consideration! I have come to the conclusion over the years that I am ‘sexually fluid in the face of love,’ which is to say, if someone falls in love with me who I had not previously considered in a sexual sense, it won’t take me long to warm up to the idea, if it’s someone I care about and we seem compatible in other ways. (Yes, it has happened more than once.) So, at the root of it, my queerness arose in response to a desire to explore a new way of relating with someone I cared about.

Of course, once I started looking at all the world through new eyes, I discovered how incredibly sexy a whole lot of additional humans are–and how had I managed to avoid noticing that before? Heh.

That openness to previously unconsidered opportunities has been at the root of other expansions of identity for me as well. It was at the heart of my first experiments in non-monogamy, and my eventual embrace of a polyamorous relationship orientation. Falling in love with a second person without falling out of love with the first one was an unexpected development. Having the courage to try and see what pursuing both relationships at once could be like was something I respect tremendously, both in my own former self and in my partners at the time.

Today, I see myself simply as a person, building fascinating and beautiful relationships with other people. Embracing a polyamorous identity means I get to do that–with friendship, with family-building, with sex, with love–up to the natural limits of my energy and time, in whatever ways are most well suited to me and the people I engage with. The mere existence of my current relationship(s) has no bearing on the emotional, relational, or physical intimacy I may pursue in other relationships. (Agreements or commitments I may make within those relationships can have such a bearing, but those are things I choose, not things that happen by default, just from having a pre-existing partnership.) Embracing myself as queer/pansexual means that I get to do that with whatever other humans cross my path, regardless of their gender identity, focusing instead on the issues of love and compatibility that matter much more to me.

At the heart of things, both my queerness and my poly-ness are based in an openness to relating with my fellow humans. A pursuit of intimacy, vulnerability, and joy that are unlimited by convention–constrained only by the logistics of needs and wants, the requirements of all those other kinds of compatibility, and the inevitable limits of my energy and time. Those are fetters aplenty for me, who takes her responsibilities to her beloveds so seriously. I need and want no more than that.