Time was, I definitely organized my relationships (mentally, at the least) in hierarchical terms. That’s pretty much how we’re socialized to do it–ranking who’s the most important, with a strong suggestion that romantic relationships ‘rank’ over platonic ones, among other unspoken rules. Nowadays, I feel like that’s an inflexible model that doesn’t provide nearly the detailed information that I want. What does it actually mean if I say someone is ‘primary’ or ‘secondary’? What is it that makes a relationship (romantic or otherwise) important? Is it about how much time we spend together? Our long history, and all those in-jokes that no one else gets? Passionate excitement? The scope of our practical commitment? Sharing secrets? What if a relationship has a lot of some of these things, but not all of them? Does that make it less central?

Over the years, I’ve moved away from ranking people. Hierarchy works well for some, but for me, slotting people into simple ‘more important’ and ‘less important’ categories is uncomfortable. People are important to me in different ways. These connections may shift and change in intensity over time. I don’t treasure people less when we are less entwined with each other’s lives, just differently. The way each person fits into my life, and how central to me they are emotionally, will influence how I choose to divide my time among them, but so does our availability, our energy, and our mutual level of interest. Relationships can be emotionally intense even when they are physically distanced or contact with that person is intermittent or takes only a small fraction of our day (I learned that one from my LDR). Other relationships can take up a ton of time (especially if they include a lot of responsibility) but not a lot of mental and emotional space. In thinking about the ways we connect to each other, I’ve come up with a model of relationships that evaluates how intense they are on three basic axes.

Axis of Responsibility

The degree to which we rely on each other: emotionally, financially, domestically, or otherwise. High-responsibility relationships include parenting relationships and nesting or marriage partnerships.

Axis of Attachment/Affinity

The degree to which we feel connected to each other: can be based on past history together; commonalities in interests, personalities, or outlooks; biological relationship; similar life experiences. Any type of relationship can be high-attachment, be it familial, romantic, or platonic.

Axis of Spark

The degree to which we are attracted to each other: romantically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally. This is the axis for crushes, squishes, creative co-conspirators, and passionate lovers!

Some examples.

Relationships that are high in attachment and spark, low in responsibility: that new friend you met at a conference. The two of you were attached at the hip all weekend! It’s amazing how much you have in common! Or, the cute coworker you have a huge crush on. Maybe you’ll tell them soon. Or, that brilliant person you might work with to co-author a book! You haven’t made any commitments yet, but tossing ideas around feels like magic. Or, the person you just started dating.  You seem compatible so far, and the sparks are flying—maybe this has long-term potential!

High responsibility and attachment, low spark: parents, kids, business partners that you’ve worked with for years. In some cases, a spouse of many years (if the sparks rarely fly between you).

A rarer combination, high spark and high responsibility, low attachment: a new spouse—it was a whirlwind, three month romance but you eloped anyway! Or, perhaps there’s a person you hardly know, but circumstances made you rely on each other for your safety in a conflict, accident, or natural disaster.

And of course, many great relationships have elements of all three, shifting in each type of intensity over the months and years. This is kind of my ideal, because I’ve been blessed with multiple relationships that fit this description. Long term partnerships, long term friendships, strong familial relationships.

Love is infinite… time in my schedule, not so much. Responsibilities require some of my time, and in general, I signed up for that. Sparks can pull me towards spending time on them with the power of excitement and attraction, just like new hobbies and creative endeavors can. My attachments vary greatly in the time I need to invest in them in an ongoing way, from the friends I try to see weekly to my brother, who I talk to a few times a year. Relationships rich in each of these elements feed me, so I feel lucky to have the skills I need to find a balance that works for my life. I try to remember that it’s equally important to show up in my responsibilities, to thoughtfully maintain the attachments that matter to me, and to kindle sparks to enliven my heart!