Commitment. What does it mean, in a poly context, where continuing non-monogamy is the default assumption, where you may or may not be planning to entwine your life with that of another in a practical or financial sense, where the measure of success in relationships is not simply defined by their longevity–in sum, where relationships are so very custom built?

To me, it means a promise of two things. To show up for each other. And to not give up on each other.

To show up for someone means that you’re willing to do the work it takes to help a relationship continue. That means putting energy into the relationship directly: by making your partner a priority in scheduling, by maintaining communication, by keeping your word, by paying attention to them and being there for them. It also means putting energy into the relationship indirectly: by being willing to do some personal growth work, some learning, some introspection about yourself and about how you’re relating to others. Sometimes it takes becoming your best self to show up the best you can for someone else. If your partner inspires that in you, they’re worth hanging onto.

Not giving up on each other is the other half of the equation. Things are not always going to be easy or go smoothly. To be committed to someone is to be willing to problem solve rather than quit when inevitable difficulties arise. Always keep good boundaries about what amount of difficulty you can handle… but remember that stepping back isn’t the same as quitting, either. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

When I strip away the many-layered assumptions of our cultural romantic monogamous ideals, these two things are what I find. Not ‘til death do us part’, or ‘forsaking all others’; not a shared household or a joint bank account; but this. Show up. And don’t give up.