Some people feel that for them, relationship style is an orientation, hard-wired. For me, it’s much more of a strong preference, subject to some degree of choice. It’s certainly true that I got started on this journey by falling in love with a second person while neglecting to fall out of love with the first and being adventurous and flexible enough to try and find out if that was a thing that one could do. But I could have chosen to keep things simple. I can live monogamously if circumstances warrant, and have at various times in the past without feeling it was a serious hardship. And it’s certainly true that making this choice is not without its drawbacks, both in managing complex relationship dynamics and in doing something outside the mainstream, with all of the cultural dissonance and potential discrimination that implies. But for me, the benefits far outweigh the difficulties.

What makes the extra time commitment, the need for so much introspection and communication, and the willingness to deal with the frailties and foibles of more than one partner worth it to me?

Polyamory is right for me because my natural emotional carrying capacity has room for more than one intimate romantic partnership. Just as I can easily tell that I can show up and be the very best parent to my child if I limit the number of children in my family to one, I can also tell that I can comfortably show up and be an excellent partner to more than one love. Everybody’s got their own relational sweet spot, and when you hit it, you know it. Poly folks sometimes refer to this state of being all partnered up as ‘polysaturation’.

Polyamory is right for me because I feel like multiple relationships dial my life to 11. My capacity for emotional relating expands, and my energy likewise. I love to make connections, and it feels right to me to let those connections grow without artificial restraint into whatever feels right to the people involved. Relationships don’t have to fit in boxes, or mesh perfectly with labels when they evolve organically like this. That can feel scary to some people, but to me, it feels like freedom. Friends become lovers, and lovers, friends. And we can spend hours discussing it all, which I also greatly enjoy.

That I like to let relationships unfold organically is not to say that I do not practice discernment. I am careful to limit what I take on, managing my energy and time so that I can show up as my best self for all of the responsibilities and commitments (and joys!) of every relationship, including my parenting relationship. It’s no accident that I wasn’t looking for new partners when I had a child under five in the house; my energy was pretty well tied up! Feelings help to make life worth living, but when it comes to action, my head is the captain of this ship, not my wild, gorgeous, giving heart.

I also look for partners and relationships that help make me a better me. Different people definitely do this for different aspects of me. My newest partner inspires me to courage like nobody else, as an example. My husband’s skills and abilities complement mine perfectly in co-parenting and running a household together. My romantical best friend models adulting and self-sufficiency in ways I find deeply inspiring! And it’s possible that I could find relationships like this without being poly, but I suspect it would be harder. Staying open to new connections takes effort, and when you’re already partnered it can feel easier to stick with what you know. Also, without a poly-minded partner, you might find yourself blocked from emotional intimacy with others because they feel it threatens ‘the primary relationship’.

Polyamory is right for me because it allows me to forge close connections with people for practical reasons. I happen to be emotionally but not physically close to my family of origin, so building a family of choice around me for practical support brings more stability and security to all of us. This can include romantic partners, but it can also include the types of intimate friendships that are sometimes (but not always) excluded by monogamists as ‘emotional cheating.’ Letting go of a monogamous mindset opens the door to all kinds of closeness!

Polyamory is right for me because of its requirement for introspection, communication, and emotional intelligence. This is, in some ways, my chosen path for personal growth. Letting new people into my life, being vulnerable and true to myself in relationships, learning new things about myself through the eyes of another, or because another person pushes my buttons in a new an unexpected way… it’s all part of the journey. I have learned some pretty tremendous skills around emotional management and direct communication through my polyamory.

Polyamory is right for me because it encourages me to question my assumptions and to be a strong and self-determined individual, rather than half of a couple. People can certainly do this and still be monogamous, but it’s not as common as it ought to be! I tried codependency for awhile… despite the papering over of some of its dysfunctions with romantic ideals, it’s really not a great way to live.

So there you have some of the reasons that I regard participating in more than one romantic relationship at a time (in an open and ethical way) as something that adds value to my life.