One of the things that I try to do in life is take responsibility for my feelings. But what does that really mean? I thought that it might be useful to share my process. So, here are some of the things that I do (sometimes but not necessarily in this order).

First, it’s important to feel my feelings. I make sure that I make some quiet time for myself, in a safe environment, to let them unfold, withholding judgement. Much like letting the creative process do its brainstorming BEFORE you try to edit, saving the thoughts about the feelings until later is important.

Now, while I’m feeling my feelings, still before I start analyzing them in depth, I like to take some time to identify my feelings and attach names to them. Sometimes I can do this internally, other times I find writing things down is a useful aid for getting the right words figured out.

Here comes a big one. Time to sit with those feelings and figure out where they’re coming from. Sometimes it’s clear, other times it takes effort to figure it out. Aspects I like to check in with include: How am I feeling in my body? Are these emotions being affected by my current state? (Low blood sugar, monthly hormonal swings, and pain are some of the emotion-manipulating frontrunners for me.) How are these feelings and the situation that caused them to arise related to my past? Are they part of a larger pattern? Have they been triggered by old traumas? Do they connect with my family of origin and its dynamics, or the dynamics of past relationships? How does this situation fit into my current relationship dynamics? What might be going on with the other people involved (if any)?

Now that I have some idea of what’s happening and where it’s coming from, it’s time to make decisions about how I want to respond. I can consider what I want to do about how I feel. (And sometimes the answer is ‘nothing!’.) If something needs to happen, here’s where I may draw or renegotiate boundaries with someone, employ self-care or coping mechanisms. Vitally, I now have the information I need to be able to communicate with people effectively about how I am feeling and what I want to do about it.

The metaphor that I like is this: My Self is the internal landscape, with its mountains and valleys, water features and vegetation. My feelings are more like the weather, changeable, sometimes spectacular, both affected by the underlying landscape and able to affect it. The changes to one’s landscape caused by the weather can be sudden, like a flash flood carving a canyon, or slow, like the work of erosion. And every person has a dominant emotional climate that can also change slowly over time as they grow and change. Their personal climate will make certain types of weather more likely than others.

Just some food for thought on how I monitor my weather, and how I discern situations where I might need my sunblock or my mittens or my extra-big umbrella.