A lot of the self-directed learning that I work on these days is focused on emotional intelligence. Communication skills, identifying and owning my emotions (and not letting emotional reactions dictate my behavior), all kinds of great internal and interpersonal stuff. Lately, though, this path has led me (through the book Woman on Fire by Amy Jo Goddard) to focusing on sex.

I had sex ed in middle school, as many of us did. And the facts, as they were presented, were based on science (since I was educated in generally liberal New York State). But the focus of the teaching, the emotional tenor of the presentation, was fear-based. Have you ever considered your sex ed classes (if you were fortunate enough to have them)? A blend of information presented about reproduction and sexual health, but with the emphasis strongly on how you shouldn’t actually HAVE any sex because pregnancy, disease, social ruin, and disaster would inevitably result. Look out! The curriculum tells us, SEX is DANGEROUS!!

Now, maybe there’s some world where this level of alarm is justified. Those horny teenagers, after all, who knows WHAT they might do if left at the mercy of their desires without all of this artificially-imposed restraint? But I think that the main effect of this style of teaching is to leave the more naturally cautious folks scared of sex (even when they’ve matured into responsible adults), the contrarians determined to ignore all of the advice and do what they please anyway, and nobody with the skills to be a good lover or a healthy amount of respect for their own responsibility around taking care of their own and others’ sexual health.

Not to mention that this type of curriculum fosters a definite lack of respect for the adults doing the educating. After all, if they don’t respect teens enough to give them the straight facts and let them make their own choices, why should the teens respect all of this fear-based propaganda? (And of course, some of the facts presented about safer sex and the real risks involved can get unjustly ignored in this backlash.)

So that is why, when I found out that the Australian sex education pioneer Cyndi Darnell had produced a video education series that was pleasure-based, rather than fear-based, I got really excited. Intended as an adjunct to other forms of sex ed, rather than a replacement, it’s not full of facts and figures about safer sex or reproduction. Rather, The Atlas of Erotic Anatomy & Arousal is about how we’re made, and how we can make ourselves (and each other) feel good. This is such a key piece of information, and now there’s another way to learn it besides trial-and-error!

This Valentine’s Day, I’m buying an education. For me, for my partner, and eventually to share with our child. Because pleasure matters, and having your sexual education delivered with a generous helping of hysteria is no way to learn about some of the most amazing capabilities our bodies possess.